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May 08

How to approach a dom/me as a submissive in SL

Today we have a special treat – a guest article by one of my best friends, the adorably dominant Kyra Nephara.


How to approach a dom(me) as a submissive in SL

A sort-of comprehensive guide from the point of view of a dominant

                                                                                                                             -by Kyra Nephara

Kyra Portrait

“Are you paying attention?”

At this point, we all know what Second Life is. It’s that magical place where fantasies come true, sofas can produce computer errors and men walk around with their dong in full view. Second Life is a haven for those seeking to escape reality, try out stuff they cannot in real life… or simply walk around with no pants on if they so wish to. It’s a world fuelled by imagination, interaction… and inability to understand basic attire principles. And if it doesn’t already feel like I’m beating a dead horse, then you’ve probably not been in SL enough.

Now, quite a number of people enter SL (I will use this abbreviation, since I am one lazy domme.) in the hopes that they will find someone to share their particular desires – often times, sexual – and help them scratch those itches. It’s a deep and intimate interaction that brings people together, both within SL and sometimes even outside of it. “Sounds great!” you may think; “Where can I get me one of these itch-scratchers? I’ve been waiting all day with no pants on!” This is what I aim to cover somewhat within this article. I will address the most common form of BDSM interaction within SL: a submissive seeking a dominant. So, if you find yourself in that position, sit back, relax and enjoy the read! And put your pants on!

Being a submissive in SL may seem like a daunting task. You’re in the majority and you would really need to make yourself stand out in order for those elusive dominants to pick you to be their next pet/slave, right? Well… yes and no.

The most important thing you need to bear in mind is that you’re a person first and foremost. And so is everyone else around you! Submissiveness and dominance come second. You’re looking for a partner to share your interests and achieve mutual pleasure in fulfilling your kinks; a person with whom to share an intimate relationship. That means you’re looking for someone, not anyone. You’re seeking someone special, who shares the same interests, not just “anyone who replies to my greeting”.

Let’s look at this from the dominant’s point of view. Someone you’ve never met asks you to do them a favour. Often enough, that favour could be something you don’t want to do, as it may well not align with your own kinks. Why would you do it? And even if you would, then HOW would you do it? It’s a commitment you cannot hope to fulfil better than someone else who better aligns with their needs.

So, submissives, get to know the person you’re talking to first. Don’t offer yourselves to the first person you see that has a vaguely leather-looking crop in their hand. That woman with no pants, standing in the corner, may be a better match for you than the one WITH pants.

Once you’ve found “the one” and you decide to take that fateful step, it’s time to open an IM and type…

But how do you say hello? They’ll want to know you’re special and loyal and awesome!

Trust me, no. No, we don’t want people suddenly jumping at us with wild RP ideas or two-bit pick-up lines. “Hello” or “How are you?” are just fine as starters. Remember, you’re first trying to get to know a dominant, THEN consider asking them to play with you. Be smart about this, as it defines how a dominant sees you!

A good approach is as follows: Consider Jessie (token name) as the submissive and Kyra as the incredibly awesome and charming and witty (and narcissistic) dominant. Jessie greets Kyra with a simple “hello”, and starts off a conversation to get to know her. Once she feels they both share the same kinks, and both love keeping their pants on in public, Jessie may ask “Hey, we seem to have a lot in common and, maybe we could…” Or even the awesome Kyra (who’s yet to get over herself) can bring it up if she feels the same.

A bad approach is for Jessie to go “U domme? I serv u longtime, Goddess Mistress!!” This would just get Jessie a big “No” from Kyra. Thus, always consider the gentle and simple approach, not the “head-first” one!

So, let’s say by now, you’ve managed to get into conversation with a dominant. It’s looking good, but you’re nervous! Should you strip? Should you kneel?

My personal advice? Neither. Don’t strip or kneel unless specifically asked to (and you consented to being dominated by said person). Even then, it’s sometimes an idea to be reluctant in obeying. “But why’s that, oh awesome Kyra (still at it)? U said u domme me, so I drop pants and kneel!” you may ask. Well, here’s the idea:

Kyra_Mobbed

Kyra relaxes with a few lucky worshippers.

A lot of the fun that a dominant gets out of the relationship is slowly convincing and training the submissive do their bidding. A submissive willingly offers their service, and there’s a certain charm, satisfaction and pride when a dominant guides a submissive into obeying their commands. If you, as a submissive, do that on your own, without even being prompted, you’re taking a lot of the fun out of it.

Let’s view that in DomCam replay: Say you are a dominant (such as the magnificent Kyra and her even more magnificent ego). If someone offers their submission and instantly kneels and calls you Mistress – what do they achieve? Did you tell them to kneel? Did you instruct them to use that title? They just assumed it. And assumption is a big no-no in BDSM. Or maybe someone else told them to do that. This can be a complicated situation which most of the time tends to breed mistrust. But that can be covered later.

The point in case is – if there is an understanding, an intimate relationship, then a domme will know what to ask for and how to guide you. In fact, they take pleasure in that. So allow them that pleasure and be assured they will return it tenfold!

This may sometimes apply to clothing as well. There’s no cause to guide that submissive to wear something kinky or sexy… if they already are wearing it. Clothing for a pet can be a great reinforcement for submission and a wonderful deepener for a D/s relationship, so it’s always best to keep kinky clothes hidden until the dominant requests them or provides new ones.

In layman’s terms, “Don’t instantly turn obedient. Give us your submission and let us make you into our pet!”

And finally, never start a roleplay without previous consent and discussion. No, my simple presence isn’t hypnotic enough that you instantly want to do whatever I say. I know that, you know that, even the people with no pants know that! As sexy-looking as a dominant may be, it is never a good idea to put words in their mouth and actions in their crop, just to force-start a roleplay.

Even super-amazing dommes like Kyra (stiiiill at it) can get annoyed and confused if someone just declares they’re hypnotized by them. Out of the blue. With no warning. It’s an awful, forceful way to start a roleplay. And even if a roleplay DOES start in that manner – rest assured that a relationship will not.

Remember that important thing: you are a PERSON first and foremost. A person doesn’t kneel to a stranger (or even a non-stranger) for no reason. Once that person gets enough incentive to kneel and obey, then they can let their submissive side shine and do just that – submit.

If you’ve managed to read this far – my congratulations! Even I lost track when the first mentions of the awesome Kyra (oh, give it a rest!) appeared…

But really – try and take it to heart. It will definitely make your life as a submissive a lot easier if you’re aware of how important those first exchanges are. Be yourself, be a person first and foremost, and you’ll definitely have a lot to benefit.

And for God’s sake, put your pants on…

5 comments

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  1. Tj Dannitza

    Thanks to both Kyra, and Giggli for this.

    My experience has been, now, that saying “No, really I am just looking for a friend. My RL owner is enough,” has, sometimes, resulted in increased attention from a person. Saying a nice, “No really, I’m only looking for friends,” often makes things a little difficult. But perhaps that’s also because gender in SL doesn’t mean very much.

  2. Giggli

    I hear you. People can be very pushy.

  3. Tj Dannitza

    “I’m not playing hard to get, I really don’t want to play, right now.” It doesn’t always work well.

  4. Totally-not-Kyra

    For me, the rule of thumb is simple: Unless the submissive is outright consenting and admitting she wants to play, or otherwise making it painfully obvious (some prefer to not break the scene with outright agreement) that they are playing hard to get, it should be considered a hard NO. When in doubt, it’s safer to go for “She doesn’t want to play” than “She’s being feisty”. Always.

    As a side note, I always hear feedback or come face-to-face with new situations and keep wanting to update the article. Just yesterday I ran into two different people with two different approaches: One tried negging by insulting my pet, the other pushed for the emotional burden approach. Jeez, and I didn’t even properly conclude the part about having no pants yet…

  5. Tj Dannitza

    Actually being anyone’s partner is a daunting thing. Vanilla, or not, 🙂

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