How Could I Forget I’m a Gynoid?

This is the start of a series of three posts, describing my experiences with three separate men I was playing with at the same time. As far as I know, they don’t know each other, but their programming had a kind of overlapping and cumulative effect.

I first met Sparrow Meriman in my first year in Second Life, nearly 15 years ago, and we have bumped into each other many times over the years, with gaps of months and a few years here and there. For most of that time, when we played, it was very casual. Back in the early years, he’d usually put me in a trance machine, and I’m guessing enjoy the thrill of power that came from the submissive state that put me in. (Or so I am guessing – I’m not a Dominant. I don’t fully understand what they get out of dominating others, but it works for them, and it works for me, so yay!)

I couldn’t help noticing he had a type – I’d have had to be even more oblivious than normal to miss it! The trances he chose were usually bimbo themed, and he liked the subjects to feel or become bustier. One of the trances installed the phrase Big Tit Bimbo, and that phrase always came to mind when I met him. And with that phrase came a desire for him to say it, to trigger me into a Big Titted Bimbo…

Playing Around

A few years ago, we met up after an absence and started to meet up more regularly, sometimes several times a week. He had learned to perform hypnosis directly, without a machine and was very good at it!

We often met at Trance Labs, and our sessions often started at this hypno chair:

The old hypno-chair at Trance Labs – sadly it isn’t there anymore.

He’d use the chair to deepen me and then take me upstairs to the place I affectionately thought of as The Red Room, and trance me some more while I looked at the flickering firelight.

My memory of our times got increasingly fuzzy, and I know I was getting conditioned to feel more sexual around him and especially in the Red Room.

I don’t like to touch myself when I’m online or doing hypnosis – the feeling of my body distracts me from the pleasure of hypnosis! But I found myself starting to touch myself when I was with him, and especially in that room. Whenever we entered that room, I’d strip my avatar and strip myself in real life, and as I sat on the chair, I’d start to play with myself, imagining him watching me…

I know this must be a result of hypnotic suggestions, but I didn’t think about it. I just did it, and it felt so natural and sexy.

There was another naughty suggestion. Naughtier than I usually talk about on my blog…

Whenever he showed me his cock, I felt a desire, a need to suck it, but I couldn’t until he gave me permission. I found it hard to think about anything else. When he gave permission, and I pounced on him, I dropped deeply into trance. The act of sucking him was a sleep trigger.

Ordinarily, I will choose trance over sexual antics every time. But I remember getting so needy and aroused that I didn’t want to drop, I wanted to be awake so I could please his cock. But he didn’t permit it. I just dropped, becoming mindless and deep…

Gynoid Programming

Sparrow spent some time getting me to internalise these commands. Here I am posing with my fellow model, Sanura.

I recognised that we were doing a lot of amnesia play – I was remembering less and less of the sessions we had together. At some point, I discovered that he had installed a separate inner personality, my inner gynoid.

I’ve had a fantasy about being programmed as a gynoid, inspired by a set of trances I encountered on Second Life in my first year here (and that’s a topic for another story). The basic idea is I’m a human who has had a chip installed in my brain, turning me into an obedient slave. When the chip is active, I believe my waking self is just a personality program on the chip, and the chip has total control over me.

It’s a hot fantasy, but also scary. I have suggested playing with this fantasy with only one hypnotist before, and that hypnodomme very sensibly chose not to pursue it. It implies a lot of responsibility.

I don’t know how Sparrow learned of this fantasy, nor how he installed the programming. I think it would take a long time, but we were playing for a long time.

It also needs a lot of trust on my part to accept it. My experience over the next few months suggests that trust was well-placed. He didn’t abuse the control this gave him, and as far as I can tell, used it to protect me. When I was playing with other people who might have been a bit pushy, he had safeguards so that the personality chip would take over and make sure I kept myself safe.

So it started out being a really good thing, but unintended downsides started to creep in.

First, I knew the chip was there on some kind of subconscious level. I started playing more riskily than I normally do, and I think that was at least in part because of the subconscious sense of safety that gave me.

Also, Sparrow got sloppy – he’d wake the chip up, and then move on to other play without properly shutting the chip down. And he’d start deliberately combining instructions so suggestions that affected my waking self also affected the chip, but this blurred the lines between the two parts of me.

I think that’s how I discovered the existence of the chip. I remember scenes where he woke me up, and I was confused thinking, “Should I remember this?” And wanting to forget that I was a gynoid.

But I also remembered how hot it felt, to feel absolutely obedient. Like my waking self was just a persona that had dropped away, and now I was totally controlled and had no ability, and no desire, to say no to anything he said.

We broke up at some point, and I think the chip was the main reason why. I think I got scared at how much control I’d let him have, and needed to get some distance to clear my head. That’s what I think, But honestly, I can’t remember. My memory of that time is so fuzzy, I don’t remember much.

I don’t think there was any anger or animosity. I don’t feel like I was taken advantage of. I still trusted him – though a part of me wonders if I was programmed to think that? and then another part wonders, but is that just fantasy and paranoia? Memory play can be very confusing!

Master Sparrow

So we had broken up and didn’t see each other for a while. But the Second Life hypno world can be a small place, and we bumped into each other again. We had a long chat about trust and stuff like that, and I realised I missed him and still wanted to play with him.

Honestly, I could probably benefit from some therapy. Hypnotherapy…

We planned to start off carefully and tentatively, but His suggestions were still working really well. I dropped so fast and easily for Him, and we jumped back into heavy play. I think we both got excited and carried away.

I found myself calling him Master. I was still playing with other people (as the next two posts in this series will show), but when I wasn’t actively playing with anyone else, I’d slip into thinking of Sparrow as my Master.

I have a lot of hypnotic HUDs and you can set the name of the hypnotist on them, and I set Sparrow as the default trainer on all of them. As far as I know, I did that by choice. I was starting to wonder how to make our relationship official.

It’s funny looking back now how much I was thinking of Him as my Master when my life really didn’t change. I still did all the same things I used to do, but I looked forward to seeing Him when our schedules allowed it, and internally, was thinking about Him in the role of leader.

I was thinking so much about being better for him. I worked hard on updating my avatar and making it more pleasing and was thinking of outfits he might find pretty, even while outside of SL. And for His part, he kept trancing and pleasing me…

The Gynoid Domme

During this time, there was one incident that really made me uncomfortable. He had a suggestion that made me more submissive (maybe more slutty too?) at his home. He didn’t invite me there very often – a missed opportunity, perhaps…

Anyway, on one of the few days he took me home, He had me deep in trance and in gynoid mode, and ordered me to dominate him. Absolutely anyone who has hypnosis experience with me knows that’s an absolute no-no. I never, ever take the role of a domme, even when ordered. It’s a testament to how much control he had that I didn’t snap out of my trance immediately.

We moved on from that, but it stayed with me. From that and other things said over the years, I knew he really wanted someone to dominate him. It made me wonder if we were really right for each other- I probably couldn’t satisfy him in the way he really wanted. That and other things made me wonder if this was a dead-end relationship, one which we were both settling for, but was limiting both of us.

Getting ready for a date with Sparrow… or cleaning up after…

Crossing a Line

Last Christmas 2021 (the day before Christmas Eve actually), I took a nasty fall and broke my shoulder and right arm. And as I recovered, my mother was sick and needed a lot of care. Both of these facts meant I was on SL very little at the start of this year.

Things did get back to normal and I started to see Sparrow again. But our schedules weren’t matching up. I saw him mostly just before he went to work, and so we usually didn’t have much time.

Sometimes we didn’t have enough time to do more than meet, and for me to strip for him, and for Him to fondle my boobs…

I wanted to show myself to Him, to be admired by Him, to be sexy for Him… I wanted to suck His cock, and be used by Him…

And now He had a trigger to take me to the edge of orgasm and used it sometimes (maybe more times than I remember). I was loving it and always wanted more.

But was that really what I wanted?

Sparrow started to plant sneaky suggestions to want to see him more and to want to be played with by him more. This is pretty mild by Second Life standards, and it’s the same kind of addiction suggestion that others were giving me and I was accepting. But I wasn’t happy about it, deep down.

A funny thing about amnesia (and all hypnotic suggestions, really): if they cross strict boundaries, they usually don’t work. Your mind rejects them. There’s so much I’ve done with him that I don’t remember, and yet it doesn’t truly concern me, because I feel that if there was anything I found upsetting, I’d remember it.

But this – this I remembered.

So there I was, starting to get frustrated and unhappy, and then I had that encounter with Peachey. That event gave me the proverbial kick up the ass and made me take a long hard look at what I was accepting from everyone. So it was once more time to take a break and start writing on this blog again. My loss is your gain!

Looking Back

I can only guess at his reasons – maybe he was frustrated at how little we were seeing each other, and since I had been accepting of many things with him, he didn’t see this as going too far. But for me, any hint of addiction will always be that step too far. Especially when hiding that behind suggestions of amnesia.

I am still very fond of Sparrow. On the scale of “friendly fun hypnotist” to “evil predator hypnotist,” he was very close to the “friendly fun hypnotist.” On the scale of things that go on in Second Life, he never did anything bad, he just crossed a boundary I feel very strongly about, at a time I was feeling upset with others doing it.

Maybe things would have been different if we’d talked more, and tranced less. Now that’s crazy talk!

Happier and cuddlier days.
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