This post is a bit more serious than most of my recent ones. Believe it or not, the life of a hypnoslut is not all mindless bliss and roses!
I joined Second Life because I heard there was an active hypnosis scene there. There was, and I threw myself into it eagerly and recklessly. I consumed every machine trance I could find, chaining them together in sessions two of three hours long. I met hypnotist after hypnotist, and let them have their way with my minds. I did so much hypnosis so enthusiastically, friends often marvelled, “How is it you still have a mind?”
There was no mystery, really. I had been doing hypnosis for three or more years before joining Second Life, and had developed a set of rules of trance by. I tried to remember to inform hypnotists about them, though sometimes they’d trance me so quickly I never got a chance! But I made sure to tell them if they had bumped up against them, as soon as I had my free will back! I also made sure to list them in my profile picks.
I didn’t see an issue with people running up against my limits. I was having so much fun, that it didn’t matter too much. If they crossed a line, it was probably an accident, a failure of my part to communicate my limit, and I would tell them afterwards, and they could avoid that limit in the future.
Bunny Boiler Giggli
Soon I was playing with someone I loved, and she kept crossing the exact same limit. I’d tell her about it, she’d apologise, say knew about it but she just carried away in the heat of the moment, and it wouldn’t happen again. And inevitably, the very next session it happened again.
Finally it came to a head. We had three or four sessions, one day after another, and after the last one I just blew my top. I am embarrassed to admit, I went crazy. She was stunned by my rage, and so was I. For about a week, I had no self-control. Every message from her just incited me further, especially when she seemed baffled about why I was angry.
I have never lost it like that, before or since, online or offline.
It happened during one of the most stressful and uncertain periods in my offline life. I was dealing with a lot. I was insecure about my future, and felt powerless. There was no one I could strike out against, and I can see now, I was unleashing all my frustration on her, and I regret it immensely.
She was also my first D/s Love, the first dominant I was starting to feel I could belong to. I hadn’t realised how strongly it’s possible to feel for someone you’ve only met online, and so the intensity of those feelings took me completely off guard.
We kissed and made up afterwards, and insisted we would remain friends. Of course, things were never the same and we drifted apart. I miss her, and still get excited when I bump into her once a year or so. But she remains aloof, no doubt thinking, “Oh god, it’s that crazy woman. Stay polite, and back away to the door.”
So, there were reasons for my intense reaction that weren’t her fault. But that doesn’t absolve her of the inciting issue: a complete disregard for the boundaries I had clearly communicated. That was a betrayal of trust.
It’s Hard Being a Hypnoslut With Boundaries
That was the first time I got disenchanted with hypnosis. It wasn’t last. My Second Life has been on an up and down cycle. I’d get in the swing of things, meeting hypnotists, having fun.
During these fun parts, i had a lot of great experiences. Like the time I almost got brainwashed into becoming a gynoid in real life, or the tranceathon where I had nearly twenty sessions with hypnotists in a single week. I’ll describe some of those periods in future posts.
But the party would end, as hypnotist after hypnotist crashed into my boundaries. The first few times, I’d laugh it off, but the drip-drip effect of it continually happening was so wearying. I’d get frustrated, and stop enjoying hypnosis.
I’d then retreat, maybe take a short break from Second Life, and the return to spend a few months locked in machines. I’d be avoiding people for a while. Then, a hypnotist would approach me when I was starting to feel comfortable again, and fun would be had. That would unleash my interest, and I’d start seeking out hypnotists or at least making myself available again.
And then, inevitably, my boundaries would start getting hammered once more.
Oh No, They’ve Broken Giggli!
By the start of 2012, my subconscious had had enough. I was playing with three intensely exciting dommes around the same time, and they all started hitting my boundaries. And I stopped making a fuss. I had gotten so worn down by the inevitability of it that I was beginning to give up and just letting it happen.
Then one day, I found I wanted to play, but I just couldn’t enter trance.
I love trance. If I am not playing with people, I spend a lot of time in machines or listen to mp3s. I probably average one trance a day, if not more. Some days I don’t trance at all, but other days I make it up with three or even six trances.
But now I found I couldn’t trance at all. Not even in machines, not with mp3s. I was just so frustrated and dissatisfied, just the idea of trancing brought up so many negative emtions that I couldn’t relax. I’d reached breaking point. Maybe also my subconscious was protecting me. I didn’t trust anyone, and I didn’t trust myself.
I was not a happy bunny. I started to wonder if I would ever be able to trance again. I wondered if I even wanted to, because I’d just be going back into this toxic cesspit. That’s how I was thinking at the time. Imagine the thing you love most in your life, and then imagine you couldn’t do it any more because of something other people had done to you. Not a pleasant place to be.
So, it’s a bit of an understatement to say that 2012 didn’t start well…
To Be Continued!
It took me much of 2012 to learn to trust again, and find joy in hypnosis once more. Much of that is due to a Mistress named Bambi Hanly. You’ll learn how that happened in The Love Pet Diaries.
There was also a delicious fling with a domme called Beth, whose romantic dominance did a lot to thaw my bitter, shrivelled heart.
And of course, there was the Enchanted By Elizabeth episode, which I’ll continue at some point and explain how it fits into this troubled year.
Now, at the start of 2013, I’m still not fully recovered. When I trance now, it’s very easy for someone to say something that I’ll interpret in a way they possibly didn’t mean, and it will knock me out of trance. The defensive, analytical side of my mind is hyperactive, constantly scrutinising every suggestion a hypnotist gives me. I’ll describe more about this and how I see it as frustrating, but not a completely bad thing, in a later post.
I’ll also talk about the specific ways in which my boundaries were being challenged, and try to figure out whether I was just unlucky with dom/mes, or whether there’s something about the online hypnosis scene or Second Life that encourages this kind of behaviour. Or maybe, whether the blame for my hypnotic breakdown needs to placed much closer to home.
But that’s for later. Now I need to go trance…
Check back in on Friday for the tale of Irresistible Cowgirl!